So I'm listening to these two new cds that I bought today and the music is so calming. And I started to think...what I could I do while listening to this awesome music? And the answer was blog. So here I am...doing that.
I want to say ahead of time, that this post is not going to that great. It's probably going to have a lot of complaining and it's probably going to be mostly negative. But sometimes you just have to write about the crappy things in life, so that's what I'm going to do.
You've been warned.
Here we go.
I've had to take a Leave of Absence from school. I'm having health issues that I could no longer deal with along with my school work and other activities. So two weeks ago, I came home. I'm feeling a few different emotions. One is fear. I know that whatever is going on isn't life threatening, so I'm not like afraid for me life or anything...at least not in that way. But I am afraid of testing. I'm afraid that the doctors are not going to find anything. So far, that' been the case. I've been told over and over again that my blood work came back normal, that my chest x-ray came back normal, and that I just have a viral infection. Given the amount of time I've been sick, I'm pretty sure that isn't true. Yesterday I had a biopsy taken of a rash that I have on my feet. I'm almost positive that if they find something in that biopsy, I'm going to have figured out what the problem is. But what I'm really afraid of is that they aren't going to find anything. That's what's worse in a way. Just not knowing.
I also have to have a very icky procedure done in a couple of weeks. Now, I won't go into details, because really it's just gross. But I have to clean out my system in preparation for this procedure (you can probably figure out what that means) and then for the actual procedure I have to be put out. And that's just a whole other level of scary. I hate that feeling of going under. It's freaky and not natural and just gahh. Hate it.
Anyway, besides the fear, there's something else. I feel lonely. I feel bored. I've basically sat in the house by myself for the last two weeks because the few friends that I have at home are too busy to come visit. And I don't blame them. They have their own lives. I wish I had one too. And I understand how busy they are, because two weeks ago I was that busy (if not more) than they are. But still, it's lonely.
And mostly, I miss my life. I had to give up a lot of amazing opportunities because I had to come home. I'm missing what was supposed to be my first Comic-Con tomorrow. I also applied to be a delegate at a leadership conference in November, and I got 2nd Alternate. But I was going to get to go. I worked my ass off on my application and was SO EXCITED for this opportunity. And I lost it. Just gone. Poof. What a waste of work. I had to move out of the place I've called home for a year and am likely not going to get back into my amazing, wonderful building when I am able to return to school. I lost my awesome roommate, who I couldn't wait to share a room with this year.
I'm missing out on some of my friends' Senior Year. My amazing RA and friend is graduating in December. I will probably never see her again. And of course, I've had to take a break from the amazing organizations that make my life crazy and amazing. NRHH, Hall Government, RHSA, and my baby...Dumbledore's Army. And last but not least, I'm no longer surrounded by friends. It's already hard enough because I live so far away, so I miss out during Winter and Summer Break. But now I'm missing a semester. So much happens in one semester.
I had to give up the wonderful classes that I was excited to take this semester. Thankfully, I will be able to re-take most of them, though with different professors. In every single aspect of my life, I've lost a lot over the last few weeks. It's just really hard and I don't think I'm handling it all that well.
With that being said, I kind of came to my senses yesterday. I don't want to sit in my room until they figure out what's wrong with me. I've been reading a lot which I have been enjoying, but I can't spend the next three months just sitting in my room with a book (though I would probably make a huge dent in my list for once). But I need social interaction. I need to do something with my life. So my plans have changed. That's okay, and I've already kind of figured out a plan for myself once I go back to school as far as my academics go. So I won't graduate on time...that's not a big deal. A lot of people aren't able to graduate in 4 years anymore anyway. But I wanted to figure out a way to spend my time at home, both while I wait to find out what's going on, and hopefully once I'm all nice and better. I realize that some days I'm going to have to just lay in bed and do something. Not every day is going to be a good day. I'm prepared for that.
For starters, I've decided that I'm going to walk around my neighborhood every morning. Getting outside and doing some sort of exercise, without straining myself, is probably going to help me a ton so I don't go completely stir crazy. And on days where I'm doing really good (like the last two days) I'm going to do something fun. Like tomorrow, I'm going to hang out with my sister on her college campus and help her re-do her dorm room a bit. And Monday I'm going to take a drive out to visit my dad's grave. A nice long drive will probably do me good anyway...and it's a good 45 minute drive from my house.
So that's my plan. I know how easily I could fall into a depression by sitting here in my house doing nothing all the time. And despite all the shit that is happening in my life right now, I'm still overall a happy person. In general, I'm content with my life and I'm excited for my future. So I just have to remind myself of that and do something to get my spirit up when I'm feeling down, and hopefully everything will be okay.
